25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 25

I pray that each and every one of you had a safe and happy Christmas. That you were able to be with your loved ones, even if just in spirit. That you had a moment where you were overwhelmed with a sense of being blessed, knowing that God sent his son to earth this day to be born in a manger for you, in a simple and humble manner so that we would know that his love was not just for the wealthy or the elite, but for each and every one of us. Wherever we are, wherever we've been, wherever we are going, he knew it all before we ever did, and he still chose us. That is the greatest blessing of all and my prayer is that you know it for yourself.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 24

Randy and I slept until 11 am Mountain time today. After a full day with the kids followed by a 12-hour road trip, we were ready for a long winters nap.

My prayer today is that everyone would find time to take a real rest. To hibernate as nature intended. To savor the season that wants us to slow down, and enjoy every moment. To recognize that you can still enjoy a moment that you are sleeping through.

With love from snowy Idaho!

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 23

As we were leaving for our road trip to Idaho today, Randy asked me: "What do we want from this trip?"

He has been asking me some variation of this question ever since we met: what is a word/thought/hope/prayer for today?

I love this question because it speaks to the truth that, while we can't always control what happens during the day, we can choose how we are going to respond to what happens during our day.

We can decide in advance that we are going to be commpassionate, patient, appreciative, annoyed, frustrated... we can decide in advance that even though everything won't be perfect we will see it as such because we'll be together.

So whether you are taking a road trip for Christmas or cramming into a house full of in laws, choose now what your attitude will be for the day.

25 Days of Christmas, Day 22

We just had the most wonderful Christmas celebration at our house!

Randy and I have had such a crazy busy month, from my 15 writing deadlines and his 15 holiday parties to cater, we've hardly had time to think about Christmas, let alone put gifts under the tree. But we wanted to have all the kids and grandkids over to our house before our Christmas road trip and today was the day we decided on.

You should have seen us this morning! Him running one way, me running the other, and eventually us running together. From wrapping gifts for each other to take with us when we leave town tomorrow, to wrapping presents for the grandkids, to filling pantyhose full of practical gifts for his kids (everything from toiletries to their favorite snacks -- I love this tradition of his!), to filling the kitchen with clam chowder and bread bowls, chili, spinach dip, cookies, cookies, and more cookies!

But the most wonderful thing happened. As soon as all the kids walked into the house, we sat down and all the fussing stopped. It didn't matter that there was still a list a mile long that didn't get completed. None of that was as important as the people who filled the room.

We ate, we played games, we strung popcorn and cranberries on the tree, we walked the dogs, we watched a movie while eating (again!) and playing more games, we opened presents, we talked, we laughed, we popped crackers, and we sent the kids all home with leftovers. And the only complaint was that we couldn't squeeze in even more!

My prayer is that each one of you will be able to "stop" once your family is all together for the holidays. Stop worrying. Stop running. Stop wrapping. Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. Stop checking your phone. Stop everything and focus on the people in front of you. Because they are truly what make the holidays so blessed!

(We were so focused on enjoying one another today that we didn't even get a photo of the whole family. Maybe next year!)

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 21

Randy and I went to our church's Christmas program tonight. Between the earth harp, the star made out of drum heads, the sermon, the decorations and the seating arrangements, a TON of work went into making tonight happen.

My prayer is for all the churches, all the pastors, all the choirs and pageant participants and volunteers who have Christmas programs yet this week, that they would feel the presence of God in all their hard work and know that it is appreciated by all who come to celebrate the birth of our Lord.

#GetDateBox

Many people wish that they had a dramatic love story, a fairy tale romance, an epic beginning that sparked their happily ever after. But I have to tell you, it is a lot of pressure to maintain.

Randy and I met on the streets of France and spent our "first date" hiking the Pyrenees Mountains. And our next 34 dates walking across Spain. Each date entailed new restaurants, new foods, new scenery, new towns, new friends, new hostels and hotels, new adventures, and new conversations as we embarked on an unexpected journey to falling in love.

We wouldn't change a thing about it. Not one single thing.

But we've discovered that it is hard to live up to the standards of our initial dating life. How do you plan a date as exciting as the one in which we walked to a fountain that not only gave out water, but also wine? How do you measure up to seeing the arena in Pamplona where every year there is a running of the bulls? How do we date in "real life" when we're used to cathedrals and tapas and daily travels to unexplored lands?

As we found ourselves wrestling with these questions, along came DateBox! DateBox is a subscription service in which you sign up for one, three, or six months, and each month a box is delivered to you with everything you need for your date. Some couples have struggled with the idea because you aren't told in advance what is going to be in your box when it arrives. But that is half the fun for Randy and me. It reminds us of our beginnings, when we never knew what the day was going to hold. AND, more importantly, it reminds us that what is in the box isn't nearly as important as the fact that we are getting to spend some quality time together.

Our first box contained a gourmet meal. Even though Randy is a chef, it wasn't anything we had ever made in our home. We also never cook together, so that was something new (okay, I read the directions and he did the cooking, but we still did it together!).

Our second box contained a kit for making a gingerbread house. While this might be something we would think about doing with the kids and grandkids, we would never have thought to build one just the two of us. We're more the "lets go outside" type than the "lets get creative" type. But this was so much fun! We found ourselves working side by side, encouraging one another, and getting excited over each others creative ideas. Randy loved my Christmas lights adorning the eves of our house and I loved his icicles and his marshmallow roof!

Both of these dates were obviously designed to make us work together and presented opportunities for communication, both key in making a relationship work. We were also able to focus on the excitement of having a date together, rather than the pressure of coming up with a creative new idea on our own. And having this date right before the holidays was especially wonderful. We've been so busy that I know we wouldn't have made time for a date right before we go away to spend Christmas with the family!

We're looking forward to our next DateBox, which an insider's tip tells us is a group date (who wants to come?!)!


As we continue our theme of the "25 Prayers of Christmas," my prayer is that couples everywhere would be less focused on the "what" -- what do I buy, what do we do, what do I say -- and more focused on the "who" -- who has God blessed me with, who do I get to spend my time with, who can I love in this moment regardless of what is inside that box.


Interested in DateBox? Visit GetDateBox.com. I'll warn you: there is more information about this service on this blog page than you will find on the website. But remember, that is half the fun!

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 19

Today the woman in line ahead of me at Starbucks paid for my drink. I could tell from her exchange with the woman at the drive-thru window that the car in front of her, and maybe even the car before that, had started the act of generosity and she was continuing it.

There is something about the holidays that almost makes you expect such acts of kindness, because people are simply in the mood for giving.

But there is a difference between the kind of giving that the woman who bought my drink showed, and the type of giving that the person who bought the first drink showed.

The woman ahead of me was prepared to buy her own drink. But when she discovered that the car ahead of her had paid for her drink, she made the impulse decision to pay for my drink. So her decision was based on an opportunity presenting itself to her.

The person who bought the first drink, however, didn't wait for an opportunity to present itself. That person created an opportunity.

Both acts were equally kind and equally generous. But the first act was intentional.

I'm reading John Maxwell's book "Intentional Living" right now, and he points out this difference. He says that we applaud one another for "random acts of kindness," but random acts rely on emotions and circumstances. We give when we feel like it, when someone plays on our emotions, or when we are face to face with a need. We can choose, however, to be intentionally kind, to look for and create opportunities to be generous and loving.

If you are like me, you are sometimes intentional but more often emotional. My prayer is that we --that is, me -- would be more intentional with our love and generosity this Christmas, not waiting for someone to earn our love or gifts, not waiting on someone to step in front of our path with their hand outstretched, but deciding in advance to live and love and look for opportunities to do so.

Interested in living more intentionally? Be part of John Maxwell's 7-day experiment toward intentional living. It's completely free and you can do it at your own pace. It might be just what you are looking for to start the New Year off right! http://intentionalliving.johnmaxwell.com/7-day-experiment

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 18

Del Oro won the state championship high school football game! We are so proud of our local team. While receiving the championship plaque, Coach Casey was asked, "When your team was 2-8, did you ever think you would find yourself winning the state?"

"Absolutely," he said. "I told the boys we could still win state if we just went out and won, one week at a time."

Del Oro overcame 8 elimination games and tonight claimed the state title. An incredible testimony of perseverance.

My prayer this Christmas is for all the people out there who feel like giving up, who feel like they have made too many mistakes, who feel like a 2-8 record means they have already lost, who feel like their marriage is too far gone or they will never get the job or the child they are praying for, who feel like being sick is simply who they are, who think they will always be alone or sad or angry. I pray that this Christmas God will restore their faith, that they will choose to see that they can still win, that their prayers can still be answered, one week at a time, and that they will come out on the other side as champions!

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 17

Who knew we would still be watching high school football this late in the year! Our local high school football team, the Del Oro Golden Eagles, is headed to the State Championship playoff game tomorrow afternoon. We'll be at Sacramento State to watch them play, but Randy wanted to do something special for the team. So he made them all dinner last night after practice -- steak and pasta and mashed potatoes for 75 boys. It was a treat to watch!

Randy made plenty of food, and insisted that the coaches take home the leftovers to their families. Coach Casey said, you just get in a rhythm of practicing every night and playing every week and you don't even realize how much time has gone by. "I wrote a check the other day and I had no idea we were halfway through December!"

Today my prayer is for the wives and kids of those coaches. The sacrifice they make during the regular season is great, but for those teams who do well the sacrifice is even greater. And for the dedicated parents who were all sitting in their minivans in the parking lot last night waiting to take their kids home at 7 pm. May God continue to give you the strength to love and support your kids and coaches during these long days, may you find moments of quality time even in the midst of your chaotic schedules, and may your Christmas be especially blessed this year.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 16

Everywhere I have ever lived or traveled to at Christmas time there has been a community or neighborhood known for its Christmas displays. For the second year in a row, Randy and I have visited one of those neighborhoods near us.

It is awesome to see families set up in their driveways around fire pits, families walking the sidewalks admiring the cutouts and lights and animation, and families driving with their lights off and Christmas music on the radio. Regardless of whether you are walking or driving or sitting, everyone is amazed at the lights.

My prayer this Christmas is that we would remember that we are called to be a light to the world. That in a time of darkness, we can choose joy and wonder and peace and love to light up the world around us. Not just at Christmas time. Not just if we live in the "right" neighborhood or go to the "right" church. But wherever we are, whoever we are, we can amaze people, put smiles on faces, and bring people together in a spirit of community.


Find a Christmas light display near you: http://find.mapmuse.com/interest/xmas-displays

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 15

I absolutely love the week before Christmas. Every day promises a new picture, card or letter in the mail. It is wonderful to see familiar faces, kids growing up, stories of the year's adventures, and hopes for the new year. I also see this as an opportunity to pray for those closest to our hearts. As we look at the photos and cards from our loved ones over the course of the next 10 days, we can take the time, right there in that moment as we hold their faces in our hands, to remember them by name in our prayers.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 14

The other night I had a dream about a friend of mine who died this year, much too young. It has been a few years since I've seen him. He was only 19 then.

In my dream I am hanging ornaments on a tree. He is there and we are admiring the brightest, shiniest ornament. I am hanging it for him, in his honor, his memory. Because it reminds me of his personality. Bright, shiny, alive with wonder.

My prayer this Christmas is that we would find a way to honor, to remember, all the loved ones we have lost this year, in a meaningful way. Maybe it is with an ornament that reminds us of them. A donation to an organization that fights against the disease they died from. Or simply speaking their names, in our Christmas cards, our conversations or our prayers around the Christmas dinner table.

While Christmas seems like it should be the happiest time of year, for some it is the hardest. But perhaps finding a way to honor the ones we are missing will help us channel a bit of the heartache.

These are for you Corey. XOXO

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 13

I was looking at my Facebook page yesterday and I thought, "Man, that guy is hot!" Then I realized I was looking at my profile picture and that hot guy was my husband! How lucky am I!

I love being in the "newlywed" stage of our relationship. I love when Randy comes home grinning and says, "I just remembered we're married!" But I love even more when I see couples who have been together for 10 or more years (instead of weeks like us!) and the man still refers to his wife as his "bride" and the wife still refers to her man as "still gives me goosebumps after all these years." Those are the moments I want to make sure we have in our future.

But all too often you see relationships in which the couple has stopped fanning that flame, they have let the spark fade. And I think the same can be true of our relationship with Christmas. We no longer get goosebumps when we think about Christmas morning. We think of it as being "just for the kids." We've lost sight of the magic, the sizzle, the wonder.

Jesus, help us rediscover the "wonder" of Christmas this year.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 12

God, we know that we aren't supposed to care what other people think.

The fact that YOU think we are the most important thing, that YOU would drop everything to be with us, is supposed to be enough. Is supposed to be the only thing that matters.

But let's be real.

It hurts to feel like we aren't a priority.

So, even as we seek to be slow to offend, comfort us when the words and actions of others hurt.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 11

My Grandma Audrey once gave me a bookmark with the Prayer of Saint Francis on it, written in French:

Seigneur, faites de moi un instrument de votre paix.Là où il y a de la haine, que je mette l'amour.Là où il y a l'offense, que je mette le pardon...

As I never took French, she wrote out the translation for me:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

What a beautiful prayer. And though my grandmother died 15 years ago, I still think about her, the books she gave me, the games we played, and this bookmark prayer.

I've been thinking about that prayer especially of late, considering all the violence in our world. Namely the shootings in San Bernadino here in California last week. I think about the little girl, the 6 month old daughter that the couple who did the killings left behind. I think about what a tragic beginning this is for her, that she too is an innocent victim. And I wonder, what if we channeled all of our hatred toward the parents, into love for their child. What if instead of a life of despair, we made sure that she grew up in a world of hope. Imagine, that we have the power to turn her darkness into light, her sadness into joy.

What if, in all things, we carried this prayer with us. Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace...

Where there is darkness, let me be light...

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 10

On days and weeks and months when we don't know how we'll ever get everything on our lists accomplished and still have time for all the most important things -- you and family and dinner and friends -- thank you Jesus for stretching us and expanding our capabilities. If you have inspired us to say yes to it, then you will make a way for it. Thank you for enabling us to do far more than we could ever do on our own, and for giving us the peace to have lives of abundance. Amen!

I'm convinced God added an extra day this week so we'd have time to go get a Christmas tree!

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 9

When you are a kid you will dream up all kinds of ways to get attention.

Any time one of my classmates would show up to school with an injury -- a broken bone, a black eye, stitches -- I can remember wishing it was me. That I was the one with a broken leg, the one who needed someone to carry my books, help me to recess, that I was the one wearing the cast that everyone wanted to sign.

I wasn't going to go out and purposely break my leg, however, so when time passed without any broken bones I had to come up with other ways of getting attention -- talking a lot, getting good grades, flirting with boys.

Fast forward to the year I turned 30 and I find myself with a broken rib and a sprained ankle after a 4-wheeling accident. I wasn't looking for attention at this point, just trying to have a good time with family and friends. But a couple of months after the accident I was still having issues, so I went to the hospital for a full body scan. They told me my rib had healed perfectly, and the lower body pain was not from the accident but due to arthritis, a result of the leg I broke as a child.

"I never broke my leg," I told the technician.

"The scans don't lie," she said.

Funny. All that time I thought my prayers had gone unanswered. But somewhere along the way I had gotten exactly what I'd wished for. I just hadn't looked deep enough to see it.

I wonder how often our prayers get answered and, for whatever reason, we don't realize it. Maybe they don't get answered the way we want them to, or in our timing. Maybe we're too busy to see what God has done and is doing in our lives.

Whatever we are praying for this Christmas -- reconciliation, joy, love, new life, work opportunities, good health -- may we take the time to slow down, to recognize God at work, and to believe that He always answers our prayers.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 8

When you are a kid you don't realize that there are different ways to "do" Christmas. It's not until you get older and spend time with friends or in-laws or coworkers that you experience "other" traditions.

For example, in my family we always opened gifts one at a time. It took all day! And everyone watched you open your gifts. I love this tradition. It shows the importance of each and every gift. And each and every giver.

I think it also helped us become gracious receivers. When all eyes are on you, you have to be excited for every gift. We were never told to "fake it" if we got something we didn't like. We learned how to genuinely love each and every gift because of the time, the thought, the money, the sacrifice, and the heart behind the gift.

It seems only natural that as I got older I would come to love giving gifts as much as receiving them. Being creative and thinking about what would bring joy to someone's heart, and then seeing that joy on that someone else's face as they unwrap what you put thought and time and energy and money and heart into was the greatest reward. Whether a poem I wrote for my grandfather or a music box my brothers and I pitched in to buy for our mother, every gift was received as the greatest gift.

As I got older and experienced other traditions -- like those who open all gifts all at once and Christmas is over in 15 minutes -- I also encountered people who are less than gracious receivers. And I'll admit, it has rubbed off on me at times. Instead of being thankful for those pajama pants, I wondered: did you put any thought into this at all, or were they just on sale on Black Friday? Instead of feeling delightfully spoiled by a pair of diamond earrings, I wondered: how long will it take you to pay off our joint credit card bill?

It also makes buying gifts less fun, when excitement over buying thoughtful gifts turns into worry that they won't be well received. The kid who you can never seem to buy the right color gift for; the adult who claims they will love anything but whose face on Christmas morning always says otherwise.

My prayer this Christmas is that we would all be gracious receivers, that our first reaction would always be delight, regardless of whether or not anyone is watching.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 7

I'm thinking today about all the people who will be spending Christmas alone.

I don't know what prayer to pray for them. Whether I should pray that someone would come into their lives between now and December 25, or that your presence alone would be enough God, or that they would receive an unexpected gift or card to brighten their holiday. Perhaps I should pray "why?" or "that sucks" or "you better make this up to them on their birthday."

Sometimes we don't know what to pray. But thank you God, that you still hear.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 6

This is the first picture Randy ever took of me. It obviously wasn't intentional. I'm just a speck of green next to the stop sign. We didn't even know each other then. He simply had his camera posed to take a shot and I happened to walk around the corner and right into his view.

Neither of us would have guessed that this moment would change our lives. But here we are, 21 months to the day later. Living happily ever after.

God, we always look for you in the big moments, the grand gestures, the most obvious and astonishing ways. But today I'm reminded that you are working even when we don't see it, in the tiniest moments, on days that seem so completely ordinary.

Sometimes we can look back and pinpoint the beginning of these life altering events, a choice or an encounter that changed the course of our steps. But you were working even before then.

I know some of the work but I can't even imagine all of the work you did in Randy's life to make sure he was there on that street at that exact moment. I know some of the work but can't imagine all of the work you did in my life to make sure I was there too.

My prayer today is particularly for those people who can't see what you are doing, Lord. Who have a hard time imagining their dreams will ever come true. Help them to trust that you are working, in big and small ways, and that your dreams will not only answer, but exceed all of theirs.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 5

My computer was out of commission for the last 4 hours. With deadlines looming and a to-do list that all involved being online, this was not part of the plan.

Even after yesterday's prayer to not make mountains out of molehills, this initially seemed like the worst possible thing that could happen.

But then I remembered what it was like working in an office in Indiana during the winter. It seemed like we always lost our electricity at the most inconvenient of times. What do you do in an office without a computer? You clean, you organize, you go out with your girlfriends to get mani-pedis. And somehow, hours or days later when the electricity comes back on, you find yourself more relaxed, more focused, more able to conquer the tasks at hand.

So, instead of stressing away the day, I took the dogs for a walk, made myself a nice lunch, organized the kitchen cabinets, and watched a Hallmark movie. And now I'm coming back to my desk with not only a clean computer, but a mind clear of the clutter and stress that occupied it earlier this morning. And the inspiration for today's blog post. :)

Thank you Jesus for the reminder that every interruption is an opportunity.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 4

It's so easy for us to exaggerate and dramatize every little disaster in our lives. It's like we never grew out of those tantrums we threw as three-year-olds.

• The batteries ran out in my wireless keyboard and we don't have any double As in the house. Now I have to go the store. I'll NEVER get my work done.
• I planned the perfect dinner for my spouse but I forgot to buy tomatoes. Dinner is RUINED. 
• EVERYONE is out enjoying the beautiful weather today but I'm ALWAYS stuck inside with the laundry. 

Today, let us pray that we would keep things in their proper perspective. One mistake, one inconvenience, one setback, is NOT the end of the world!

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 3

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

In these troubling times, when violence, tragedy and disaster seem all too common, Lord I pray that we would not become complacent or desensitized to these events. And yet, even as we recognize the severity of the troubles of this world, I am grateful that our trust is in you, the Prince of Peace.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 2

My prayer today is that we would remember this simple truth: people are important.

I have a ton of work on my plate right now, and I'm adding more daily. Yet I took the time to call my parents first thing this morning. Because they are important.

Randy does 99.99% of the cooking in our house. Today he began his busy season, catering holiday parties. So I had dinner in the crock pot when he came home, to give him a break from having to feed us. Nothing fancy, just something to show him I appreciate how hard he works to take care of our family. And that he is important.

Tomorrow I am taking my mother-in-law to the doctor because I don't want her to have to go alone. I want her to know that she is important.

I love to text my sister-in-law Jenn. She always replies, she always gets where I'm coming from, and she has a huge heart for her family and friends. She makes me feel important.

Christmas is that time of year when we get to focus on the things most important to us: family, friends, the birth of our Savior. And yet we can get so busy in the month of December that we might just find ourselves neglecting those things all month long, relegating the celebration to just a few hours on the 25th, justifying our negligence by saying that all the work, all the shopping, all the running around is necessary in order to make those few hours together perfect. But if we truly believe that people are important, we have to show it with our actions for more than just a few moments on a special day.

Father, in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, give us creative minds this December, help us see how we can show the people in our lives that they are important.

25 Prayers of Christmas, Day 1

On my Facebook page, I participated in the "30 Days of Thankfulness" throughout the month of November. Once you get in the routine of being thankful daily, and sharing that, it can seem very abrupt to simply end on December 1. Suddenly caught up in all the hype of lights and gifts and elves on shelves and snow.

So instead of simply ending, my plan is to transition into what I'm calling the "25 Prayers of Christmas," leading up to Christmas Day. This is also a great excuse to get back to blogging regularly, to serving God and you in this way, and to share what is on my heart. Here goes.

(Warning: Some of these will be intense, others seemingly inane, because I believe God wants to hear ALL of our prayers.)

DAY 1

(You can say "Dear God," if you want, but I like to get straight to it!)

I've noticed a trend lately among my friends, specifically those whose marriages have ended recently. This in itself breaks my heart. Having been there myself, I know the pain that comes with divorce, and the consequences of all the wrong choices you make in the process, which can take years to work through.

But I also see a common thread in these endings. They have all happened to couples who have children who are either sick or have severe behavioral issues. This can be a major strain on relationships. I know the pain that comes with that too, having ended an engagement after a miscarriage.

And yet, your spouse is the person God gave you to help you through that pain, that challenge. When we say "in sickness and in health" we don't just mean our own health, but that of our kids and our parents and others who God entrusts to us.

So today my prayer is not only for children to be made well, and for children to find the help they need to be overcomers, but for their parents to be strong in the Lord, to lean on one another instead of taking out their frustrations against one another, and that their marriages would be strengthened by these challenges instead of broken by them. And for all parents whose children are healthy, that a hedge would be put around them so that if the time comes when they do have to face this challenge, they will rise to it.

When Life Doesn't Make Sense

Since Randy and I have been together we've buried my 89-year-old grandmother, a 51-year-old friend, and our infant grandson.

Right before we got married, a man hired Randy to make meals for a family in his church when the husband/father in the family was given two months to live. The man ended up only living a few more days.

This week I've seen on Facebook that one of my teammates when I played high school softball lost her husband, the father of her four children, to suicide. The high school we attended is also mourning the loss of two current high school students, teenagers who lost their lives in a car accident.

Perhaps we can understand when someone dies just shy of their 90th birthday, but what about the 51-year-old personal trainer whose life has been spent working for children and family services? What about the young father? The teenagers who have their whole lives ahead of them? The infant whose arrival had been anticipated for 9 months with joy and love and expectation?

How do we make sense of life when tragedies like this happen? Can we? Are we even supposed to?

I recently heard a pastor point to John 10:10 when discussing this matter:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

This quote is from Jesus, therefore, this pastor said, only the things that bring life can we attribute to God. The things that bring death, therefore, are the work of the devil.

It makes sense if you look at the life of Job. Job who had everything taken from him -- his family, his career, his health. Scripture tells us that all those things were the work of Satan. But the Book of Job ends with God giving Job another spouse, more children, restored health, and even greater wealth and work. God is the giver of Life; Satan the author of destruction.

To me, looking at it from this perspective is helpful. When people say, "God needed another angel" I understand why people would be angry with God when their loved one dies. But if death is the work of the enemy, then I can determine not to let him win by stealing the life and the future out of me too.

But just because it's helpful for me to see death from this perspective, doesn't mean it will be comforting to everyone. One thing became very apparent to me at the funeral we attended most recently:

Not only do we each grieve in our own unique ways, but we are also comforted in our own unique ways.

When we arrived at Danny's funeral, his younger sister came up to us and dissolved into Randy's arms. Randy held her in her grief without a word. She took obvious relief in his embrace and was eventually able to share her feelings.

Danny's mother is a practicing Scientologist, so, during his funeral, there were some readings from the Christian Science manual by Mary Baker Eddy. It was obvious that these readings were of great comfort to the mother.

After the ceremony, Danny's older sister invited us to join her at her home to "tell stories". We did and all were able to laugh and celebrate and remember with fondness what an incredible man he was.

Randy and some of the other guys had been housemates with Danny and remembered drinking amaretto together, so we toasted a shot of amaretto in his memory.

I recently read of a young pastor who, early in his ministry, had a family in his church lose a young daughter. The pastor had a daughter near the same age. When he went to visit the family, he felt true compassion. He was unable to say a word; he simply put his arms around them and they cried together. Afterwards the family sent him a card that read, "Everything you said that day was perfect."

The family that we took meals to, the wife who lost her husband more quickly than expected, shared that, after not eating for months, her husband insisted on eating the food that we had brought. It was their last meal as a family, a final memory of a "normal" moment shared together.

So you see, what one person needs may be the opposite of what someone else needs. How one person processes loss may be completely different than how another person does.

I don't have any easy answers for how we deal with loss, or a tried and true method for comforting those who mourn.

But I can say that none of us escapes the heartache of loss. Some experience more tragic loss in more tragic ways than others, but none of us escapes it entirely. Loss is a common bond that joins us together in compassion and community.

May we honor one another by allowing grief to be expressed in multiple forms and to listen for ways that we can be of comfort.

#FacebookFail

I started the day with a text message from one of my best friends: "OMG... I just saw Facebook. Are you okay???"

I did a mental check. Wondered if I had posted something the night before when I was tired that could be misconstrued. We had gotten ourselves into a precarious situation the day before when hiking, but I was pretty sure I'd kept that bit of information to myself. Finally I opened Facebook and saw the culprit.

It wasn't something I had posted, but something someone else had posted on my wall. It was the worst of all possible things someone could have posted. And even though I didn't believe it for a second, it still took my breath away:

"Wanted to send support to you over the loss of your mother."

It had been a week since I'd talked to my parents, but there was no possible way I would find out something so devastating as this on Facebook of all places. Yes, my father would be wrecked, but he would still find it in himself to make that horrible phone call.

My gut reaction was to reply to the comment and ask if he'd meant my GRANDmother who passed away in early summer. And then to say that this is how rumors are started and you need to get your facts straight. But that tiny seed of fear had been planted. And I had to call to be sure.

Of course no one answered the home phone. And that tiny seed began to take root. But when I called my mom's cell she picked up right away. "I just called to make sure you are alive," I said. "Yep, I'm alive," she answered cheerfully. And I breathed a sigh of relief.

While my situation turned out to be a misunderstanding, there are people who have learned devastating news about loved ones in equally impersonal and public ways. I didn't confront the person who made this post, knowing that it wasn't malicious, but it did make me pause and think about how we use social media and how we can use it better.

First of all, it would be wise to let the family make the first mention of the loss. Once that person has made the information public, then feel free to offer condolences in the comment section. Second, make sure you have your facts straight, including what this person's relationship was to the deceased. Third, make use of Facebook Messenger to send a private message. If you are making a public statement just so everyone else can see it, then your motives are wrong.

And finally, if you have a way of contacting your friend/loved one outside of social media, do it. One of Randy's best friends from high school passed away this week and he's been on the phone ever since. Not checking Facebook for updates, but making actual phone calls to family and friends. Offering condolences and breaking the news in a more personal way than a text or a post.

Facebook is a wonderful service when it is used to keep in contact with family and friends, but we are responsible for using it wisely.

Begging Sucks. Compassion Doesn't.

The young man at the intersection held a sign in his hands. "I like it," Rand said. "Me too," I agreed. We drove on, but the words were imprinted in my mind:

Begging Sucks. Compassion Doesn't.

Perhaps the fact that we kept driving is why we did what we did next. Or maybe we would have done it anyway. We'll never know.

We had driven to World Market, which we had a gift card for, and were in search of a cookie jar. After Rand and I got married, my new grandkids told me that the secret to being a good grandma was in the cookie jar. So obviously I wanted to live up to their high expectations!

While getting out of the car, two women pushing shopping carts approached. The younger woman with a child in her cart kept walking. But the older woman with the empty cart asked Rand if he could spare any change. His response: "Let me ask my wife."

I almost never give money to people who approach me in parking lots and Rand doesn't either. I'm not sure where this "rule" of ours comes from, except that I'm uncomfortable when people approach me directly. I'd much rather roll down my window or even hop out of the car and give money to someone sitting on a corner than I would someone who walks right up to me and my purse.

But we had driven right past the man on the corner with the compassion sign.

So I handed Rand $5 and he passed it on to the woman who expressed her appreciation.

Which would normally be the end of it. Except this time it wasn't.

We went in to World Market, perused the cutest cookie jars, settling on a yellow one shaped like a beehive, used our gift card to pay, and returned to our car in the parking lot. Where we saw the women we had just given $5 to loading bags into their trunk and driving off in a brand new jaguar.

Our jaws dropped. We went from disbelief to anger and back to disbelief in a matter of seconds. Finally settling on feeling sorry for someone who is so destitute in their spirits that they would ask for money they didn't need. Essentially taking money from those who do need it. Because even though we can do without that $5, maybe the man on the corner with the compassion sign couldn't. And instead of giving it to him we'd given it to her.

This is the challenge we face and why so many people choose not to serve others. Because they don't want to get taken advantage of by people like this woman.

But we are called to serve. We are called to listen to that voice in our spirit that nudges us to show kindness to others. Because for every woman who drives off in a new jaguar, there are dozens of others who are truly in need. Who truly hate begging and who are truly blessed when we show compassion.

So we must continue to serve. And not worry about what happens after we've given our time or money or love. But trust God to use it for His glory. Because for all we know, our $5 may be just what it takes to turn that woman's life around.

ADVICE ON THE OCCASION OF YOUR 3RD MARRIAGE

During the month leading up to our wedding day I started having nightmares. They say that marriage changes things, but for me the simple thought of getting married again was enough to send my emotions reeling.

But the nightmares had nothing to do with Randy, and everything to do with my past marriages.

In my nightmares I saw all of the ways that I had failed my past spouses. And worried that I would fail Randy in the same way. In my nightmares I saw all of the ways my past spouses had failed me. And worried that Randy would fail me in the same way too.

That’s not fair to Randy or to me or to us. This relationship is not those relationships. We will succeed in different ways and fail in different ways, but our commitment is to one another, not to the past.

Marriage is hard enough without carrying around the baggage of past marriages! So if you are considering divorce, I urge you to please, please, please reconsider. Remember the love you had for one another on your wedding day and do whatever it takes to get back to that moment and the commitment you made to one another.

But the reality is that many of us are divorced. And many of us are divorced more than once.

Because it’s so common, I figured I would find a wealth of advice out there to help me navigate this new journey. So, about a week before Randy and I got married, I googled “advice for your third marriage.” And I did find a couple of articles, all of which included the statistics of how likely I was to fail, but none of which told me why or how to avoid those pitfalls!

So I wondered, what advice was I hoping to find? What advice would I give others in my situation?

1.  If your past divorce was all your spouse’s fault – DON’T GET REMARRIED!

Have you heard of the 5 stages of grief? Well, these aren’t just for when you lose a loved one. These apply to so many things we face in life, including divorce.

The five stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

After my first divorce I was in total denial. I traveled to another country, moved to a different state, changed jobs and friends, bought a house and got a dog and acted like the whole thing never happened. Denial seemed easier than grieving the loss of my relationship with not only my spouse but with the step-son and in-laws whose lives I would no longer be a part of. And it was easier at first. Until I started dating again, and 3 years later remarried, and all those feelings were still there, unaddressed. After 3 years! And we had only been married for 2!

It was a huge reason why my second marriage didn’t work, though I wouldn’t have admitted that at the time. I wanted to dwell in the stage of anger during that divorce, blaming him and “his problems,” because that was easier than admitting I’d had any part in yet another failed marriage. And if I could blame him, then I could justify all of my wrong actions.

Which leads to bargaining. Bargaining is such a strange stage. It’s amazing what the mind will come up with. Things like, “I can make this right by convincing my first husband to marry me again” or “God if you forgive me for this divorce I promise I’ll never get married again” or “If you can convince him to go to rehab I promise I’ll stay in this marriage forever.” The “what ifs” and “if onlys” are endless.

Depression of course is the stage we are all trying to avoid and is why we want to jump into a new marriage without going through all the other stages. If we meet someone new while in the stages of anger or denial we can easily focus our energy on the new, prospective spouse and pretend that everything is going to be puppy dogs and rainbows. After all – it was their love we were missing all along.

WRONG!

Getting to the stage of acceptance BEFORE getting remarried is the healthiest way to give your new marriage a chance. If you are thinking, yes, but this new person is helping me get through all these stages, then you are probably in a codependent relationship. Ouch, right! Well, truth hurts. This is why we have platonic friends, family, and God – to help us through the stages.

And the truth is, you are not the same person you were before you were married the first time, and you never will be. Acceptance is not about being okay with divorce or being glad you got divorced, it’s about accepting your new reality and becoming the person you are now. Which you can’t do when you are all caught up in someone new. (And if your friends are saying this new person is your soul mate and you have to snatch them up before someone else does – see #2!)

2.  If your friends tell you to move in together to “test it out”, or you are having an affair and your friends say he is your “soul mate”, or any other advice that if you were in your right mind you would know was ridiculous – GET NEW FRIENDS!

One day during a high school gym class we were sitting on the floor watching a tutorial about how to keep score in bowling. Obviously not the most exciting day we’d ever had, so some of my girlfriends were chatting and giggling, as high school girls are wont to do. The gym teacher started calling off names, giving out detentions. He called each of my friends and then called me. I was outraged! “But I wasn’t talking!” I said. “It was my friends!” He quickly replied, “Get new friends!” And off to detention I went.

I didn’t take his advice. And I kept getting detention.

While it seemed harsh at the time, the wiser I get the more I see the merit in what he said. I wouldn’t trade those friends, but nor was he asking me to. He didn’t tell me to ditch my friends, he simply told me to get new ones. Because we are influenced by the people we spend time with.

I think it’s important to have a diversity of friends, but when it comes to making huge life decisions like moving in together or getting married or staying married, we have to be very careful about which of those friends’ opinions we listen to.

The temptation is to listen to whomever agrees with you and what you want, and to distance yourself from those opinions that tell you that you might be (or definitely are!) wrong. But this isn’t hurting them, this is hurting you. Because you are the one who has to live with the consequences of your actions.

Moving in together is a serious commitment! Not one that should be used to “test” the relationship. Affairs are selfish and cowardly and if your friends tell you otherwise – GET NEW FRIENDS! The consequences of marriage and divorce are life-long, and it’s important to surround yourself with people who will help you see clearly.

So, as hard as it may be to hear, it’s important to have friends who you can go to when faced with major decisions who will tell it to you straight. And if more than one of your wise friends is telling you the same thing, you’d be wise to listen!

3. If your divorce was pre-Facebook – IT NEVER HAPPENED!

A friend of mine told me recently about a girl he is crushing on, but this girl is “disillusioned” about relationships because of her past divorce. My first thought was, ‘I know this girl and I had no idea she’d been married before.’ Or maybe I did and I’d totally forgotten?

As Randy and I were talking about getting married my instinct was to worry about what everyone else would think. Like my life is a scene out of “The Runaway Bride” and my entire community is talking about all my past failures. And that they would certainly judge me if I were to put on a white dress and have my father walk me down the aisle of a church.

But as we got closer and closer to our wedding day I realized that “they” weren’t the ones who were worried about which marriage of mine this was. It was ME who was feeling unworthy of dress shopping with my mother and having bridesmaids and flower girls and a first dance.

That’s when Randy told me to stop calling this my “3rd marriage” because “this is OUR marriage.”

While some people will judge, most people will forget or maybe never knew. In fact, some of you are probably reading this thinking, “with all her world travel, when did Katie ever find time to get married and divorced, not once but twice?!”

4.  If your relationship is like an audition for the Fast and the Furious 8 – SLOW DOWN!

In my experience, one person in the relationship is always “ready” before the other – ready to get married, ready to move in together, ready to change their Facebook status. But it’s important to be true to yourself and when YOU are ready.

In our relationship Randy has always been ready before me.

He invited me to move to California after we’d known each other for less than 2 weeks. I was ready 7 months later.

He proposed to me after we’d known each other for a year. I was ready 5 months later.

We still ended up moving in together and we still ended up getting married, but it happened when we were both ready.

Folks, this is forever. There is no reason to rush it. If you don’t trust your partner to wait, then you have bigger issues. If you don’t trust your partner to love you once they’ve seen all of you, then you have bigger issues. If you think you are so in love that you can’t wait another minute to be together, you definitely need to wait another minute!

Something about dating as an adult makes relationships progress at warp speed. But remember when you were in high school and you dated the same person for 4 years and YOU DIDN’T GET MARRIED during any of those years?! Well, this is one time when adults should take the advice of teenagers. We can enjoy a long courtship too!

5. Even if you know the secret ingredient to her banana bread and how he likes his socks folded – YOU STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN!

On about day 30 of our walking the Camino together across Spain, Randy asked me, “Why do you always give me the heel of the bread?” And I responded, “Because it’s your favorite!” And he said, “What gave you that idea?”

We had spent over 700 uninterrupted hours together – more than most couples spend in their entire courtship – and the whole time I thought I was taking care of him, meanwhile he thought I was selfishly taking the softest parts of the bread and leaving him the crust!

What no one likes to say (especially those of us in the Christian sector) is that, if you’ve been married a couple times before, chances are you are living with your partner before you actually tie the knot. The temptation then is to think that you know everything there is to know about being married to this person. Which is not even close to being true.

While driving home from our ocean-getaway where we went the night of our wedding, Randy and I talked for the first time about what we wanted his and mine and our relationship to look like with his children, who are all adults. And even though his 19-year-old son lived with us for 6 months and we had to navigate boundaries and other things with him, decision making is different than relationship building.

There will always be new things to learn about our partners. And we can either be fearful of this or excited by it.

I love how well I know Randy and how well he knows me. I love that he knows I need time to transition from one activity (work) to the next (being together). I love that I know coffee makes him sneeze and bread gives him the hiccups. But I also love that every day I have the opportunity to know him more and better.

We would do well in all of our relationships to approach them with the mindset that there is always more to learn.

And my final bit of advice on the occasion of YOUR marriage is: make it the marriage and the wedding of your dreams. If you want to get married at the courthouse or in Vegas or in the park or in a big church wedding, do it! If you want to wear a white dress or a pants suit or jeans or a tuxedo, do it! If you want a big reception or a quiet escape, do it! YOU DESERVE IT! Because whether this is your first or your fifth marriage is irrelevant to the fact that this is YOUR marriage and YOU are responsible for making it the marriage of your dreams.

CONGRATULATIONS!

From a Chance Encounter to a Surprise Wedding!

The evolution of my relationship with Randy has been unexpected and unusual, at least for a girl with Midwestern values.

We met 19 months ago today on a tiny street in the southwest of France, and out of necessity spent our first night together in a tent. Over the course of the next 23 days we became more than walking partners – we became best friends, confidantes, and eventually fell in love.

On day 22 we met the mayor of Grañón, Spain. He offered to marry us in the town square the next morning at 8 a.m. But as we often did on the Camino, we overslept. We walked to the town of Rabé de las Calzadas that day, where we had a communal dinner over which we became best friends with our bunk mates. They quickly saw the value of our relationship and desire to make a commitment to one another and we all stood together as Randy and I made our vows to one another.

Over the course of the next 6 months, we had what you might call a “courtship,” dividing our time between California and Ohio, getting to know one another’s families and a sense of what real life might be like together. At the end of those 6 months, I packed up my house and my dog Jovi, and Randy and I spent the next 3 weeks visiting family all the way to California.

Four months later we returned to the Camino, to walk the final 300 kilometers together. But our first stop was that tiny street in southwest France where we first met. It was there that Randy got down on one knee and presented me with a ring he had designed special for me, a ring he had asked my parents’ permission to give to me. And I said yes.

I should clarify – I said yes to Randy, but I did not say yes to a wedding. We determined that once I was ready for wedding talk, I would propose to him!

Five months later, on August 29, I got down on one knee in our living room and, with a bread tie from a loaf of wonder bread in my hand, asked Randy to marry me. And he said yes!

Did you get all that?

• 19 months ago – we met
• 18 months ago – we said our vows
• 11 months ago – we moved in together
• 5 months ago – Randy proposed to me
• 1 month ago – I proposed to Randy

Do you see what I mean by the “unusual” order of things!

But the fun doesn't stop there! On August 29, when I proposed to Randy, I told him I thought it would be amazing to get married on September 29, because it was 18 months to the day that we said our vows in Spain. That way we could celebrate our wedding anniversary every 6 months! Plus it was a Tuesday and we’d always said if we were ever going to get married again it would be in the middle of the week.

He laughed at me and we went on about our lives. We traveled separately to Anaheim for work. We traveled together to Oregon for vacation. We spent a day in San Francisco. My brother came to visit from Texas. We went to a baseball game, took on the care of my mother-in-law's dog... Every day an adventure!

But little did I know that he was plotting and planning the perfect wedding for me!

On September 28 at 4 p.m., Randy gave me a note that said “Tomorrow at noon will you come to the old Auburn courthouse and marry me??” And this time, without any hesitation, I said “yes!”

From there we delivered a week’s worth of meals to a family in need, and then went to Nordstroms to buy our wedding attire. The next morning we went to the nail salon for mani/pedis, went to the county office to secure our marriage license, and made it to the old courthouse with 20 minutes to spare!

Randy’s entire family and a couple of our friends were there to meet us and my heart was so full! We met briefly with the judge, another family friend, who was to marry us and he said, “Do you want to get married in the courtroom or outside?” Randy said he’d been told that it was a 6-month process to get married outside so he assumed we’d be in the courtroom. The judge gave us a wink and outside we went!

Which is how we ended up getting married in the most beautiful outdoor wedding, surrounded by friends and family, on September 29!